Birthday spread (celtic cross) 2021

Original image from the big day itself!

Updated image for clarity

I need to start out by briefly saying that I am in love with the Tarot. I was enchanted by it the first time I saw it and have been studying and working with it daily for about the last 15 months. The artwork, the symbolism, the mysticism, the myths implied, the structure and inter-relationships and the representation of underlying forces in a spiritual realm that makes absolute sense to me – all these things have brought me joy, and as a spiritual system it’s brought me guidance during a massive period of change in my life. It’s just one of those things I can’t explain, my natural obsession with it. I guess it was just meant to be part of my life.

I realise that reading for oneself is tricky in various ways and that there’s a dual inverse process of the reading and being read at the same time; that being said, I do read for myself all the time and learn what I can, which is masses. This is the spread I drew on my 40th birthday to guide me through the coming year/decade and I wanted to analyse it in some depth. I’m still fairly new to Celtic Cross readings and trying to pick up what I can from various sources to help interpret it – if anyone has alternate readings please post them in the comments, I would love to hear them. This is a long old read for anyone who has the interest – just goes to show how much depth these readings can hold.  

Deck used for this is the wonderful Fountain Tarot.

1-2: The Lovers crossed by the 2 of Cups

Quick code: Lovers (Love, decisions, connection) 2 (duality, relating, combined or opposing forces) of Cups (Water: emotions, creativity & spirituality)

I’m really kind of blown away by getting the two “love” cards together like this – it’s the first time I’ve had this as a cross. There are two ways I’ve seen to interpret this and both I think relate to different aspects of my situation at the current time. Firstly to see them as strengthening each other; like a knot of love at the middle of the spread. The Lovers confirmed and exaggerated further by the Two of Cups. That’s like almost an eternal amount of love! It might be self-love or a sense of unity, coming into my own, pulling all my forces together (the Lovers being a card of unity and combination) – I almost see this cross spinning and creating a force-field or centrifugal force at the core of my life that pulls everything else in.

The second way to see it is (maybe more traditionally) as the Lovers crossed by the 2 of Cups. The Lovers clearly being myself (endlessly loving, tapping the endless flow – and as Crowley says the Lovers representing the twins of Gemini, which is my sun sign) and the 2 of Cups often being referred to as the Minor Arcana “version” of the Lovers – that I’m capable of extreme love but limited in my conception of it, in what I will allow, to the smaller more mundane (yet still bountiful and wondrous) version of love.

Takeaways: focus on allowing love to flow, meditate on its deeper meaning. Allow things to unite and come together. Show self-love at every opportunity. Dispel any doubts about my essentially loving nature and sense of connectedness to the universe at large. Go deeper where I can.

3: Underpinning: the Knight of Swords

Quick code: Knight (movement, velocity, courage, daring) of Swords (Air, ideas, intellect, mentality)

Now, this I loved, and it came through to me with a really clear meaning. I have (always had) an outrageously optimistic and calculative nature when it comes to ideas about life and for the future. I come up with ideas about what’s possible and they might be completely unrealistic – however by following them some kind of benefit or traction usually results. If I had been at times tempted to abandon this and “grow up” the message here is to embrace that side of me more fully, my mental agility, my outlandish view of possibility, as it is the basis for the whole reading – and if you look at the potentially flourishing outcomes of the Chariot and King of Wands, you can see how these flashes of inspiration and deploying my mental force to the full – even when it seems foolhardy and a bit nuts – is critical and possibly a trigger for magic.

Crowley quotes Legge on a related i-ching hexagram as: “continually acting out the law of one’s being” – this is radically relevant to me entering a new decade, learning the truth of myself and trying to weave this through my days to build a life that’s truly mine. Action towards authentic living.

Takeaways: honour your wildest ideas. Run with those crazy calculations of what’s possible – magic lies within. My success is resting on my ability to adjust my mindset in stupendous ways. Act on as many ideas as possible and make my will a reality.

[Edit – I did this before realising that the Knight for Crowley takes the place of the King; so here are some extra thoughts from his analysis of the Prince of Swords which equates to the Knight in other decks (goes to show I am still learning! but I would hold on to any meanings given as being meant to be seen). For Crowley this force is the airy part of air, floating untethered in the mind – that much is similar to what I’ve noted above. A multitude of ideas without a definite purpose. There’s an immense flexibility in ideation, elusive and difficult to pin down – fortunately there are other forces in the spread, the Emperor, the Ace of Pentacles, and the King and Queen of Wands – that offer grounding and purpose with which to temper all the freely bouncing ideas.

4: Recent past: the Nine of Cups (Happiness)

Quick code: 9 (fulfilment of the suit) of Cups (Water: emotions, creativity & spirituality)

I’m struggling to grasp the meaning of this but I suppose in some ways I did briefly have a kind of carefree window of everything I needed, leading up to my birthday. I had come a long way in preparation for turning 40 that did give me a great sense of satisfaction and overflowing – a lot of positive things I made happen or cleared the way for, that could easily have not happened. I felt loved and overflowing with possibility, and as if things can only continue improving. There was no threat of returning to the bad old days whatsoever, and maybe the absence of fear or darkness is what happiness represents here.

5: Higher force/higher self or possible outcome: The Chariot

Quick code: Success, forward momentum, power of the Will to chart or direct a course, ego.

I love the Chariot in this position because it implies victory and swift developments in whatever you choose to tackle or apply yourself to. It’s a reminder that there’s a place for the ego in applying your Will in a determined fashion to practical, real-world matters; success in an earthly sense, what you will and will not allow or stand for. In this position I would take this as confirmation of real-world capabilities and that success and gratification is possible, although at times it requires a bit of strain to hold all the opposing forces within us in balance.  There is great potential in this year to move things forward rapidly in a direction of my choosing.

6. Near future: The Emperor

Quick code: Masculine energy, authority, stability

For me, the Emperor is about authority, power and laying down the law. This could be learning about my own power, or the power of other influences over me; it could well be about learning the inescapable “rules” of who I am and how I have to function in the world in order to survive and achieve stability. It could signal the rise of a stabilising force or (in combination with the Chariot above) the idea of taking up the reins of my own authority over my life. It signifies the importance of finding my place and power in relation to the wider world; I’d expect this to become a major theme in the year ahead.  

7. Self: The World

Quick code: completion, unity, wholeness, arrival

The World is about the ultimate awareness of and unity of our material and spiritual oneness; the final combining of all the dualities and acceptance of our ultimate nature as both real (in a Real World sense) and divine. It’s such a lovely blessing to have this card as Me in the first year of the new life I’ve been building. There are no real struggles or “difficult” cards in this whole spread – the Emperor maybe – but on the whole it’s one uninterrupted movement towards an emerging sense of purpose (the fire partners about to come up in this final line) and embracing myself, as myself, at my most powerful, successful, and whole.

8. Environment: Queen of Wands

Quick code: Queen (Feminine energy, grace, intuition, incorporation of energy) of Wands (Fire, action, purpose, creativity, passion)

In the Fountain deck, the Wands (fire) Court cards are dancers. The Queen of Wands dances through life with joy and appreciation for all it holds. She has the protection of a black cat and a sun halo. There is a directness about her. In the Environment position, this feels like an invitation to the Dance; everything around me is tending towards greater purpose and enjoyment of life itself, promoting confidence and a release from worries and self-doubt.

9. Hopes and Fears or Suggested Action: Ace of Coins

Quick code: Ace (a gift, starting energy, something appearing from nowhere) of Coins (Earth, practicalities, stability, real-world/manifest reality)

The Ace of Coins is a gift from the universe, in a practical sense or in daily life. It’s all too easy to see the Ace of Coins as a financial windfall (money from the sky!) but that’s quite a narrow interpretation; especially in this position where it’s something emanating from or chosen by the subject as an influence on the final goal. So far I have interpreted this as choosing to see the luck in things, staying open and being receptive to the blessings that are coming. I am both hoping for good fortune, unexpected twists of fate and aid from outside - and to some extent dependent on them to turn my Queen of Wands into the mastery and boundless assuredness of the King.

10. Outcome: King of Wands

Quick code: King (completion, accomplishment, leadership, assurance) of Wands (Fire, action, purpose, creativity, passion)

Again, dancing through life, the King of Wands is a great outcome. As a card it represents the furthest point you can reach in terms of pursuing your life purpose, chasing down your passion, embracing your enthusiasm for living and knowing your place in the world. I would love all these things to develop over the next year. I think the question mark here, because of where the Chariot has appeared, is – can I see beyond my ego’s success, my attachment to earthly achievement, and embrace the invitation to passion that surrounds me (Queen of Wands) and both recognise and agree to be led by the opportunities that appear (Ace of Coins) in order to reach this other level of success and sense of purpose?

Takeaways:

·      Love like you know how, find the affinities, both superficial and lasting, within yourself and outside.

·      Wishful thinking and mental agility are strengths this year. Keep generating those outlandish ideas, but remember that acting on as many of them as possible is key.

·      A great understanding of your passion and place is available over the course of the year

·      There isn’t anything negative here at all – you’re being supported, trust the process, the way is out there for you to find

·      Embrace the opportunities that appear for best results even if (/especially when) they push you in new directions – part of what’s necessary this year is sheer luck. Don’t miss it, it’s there.

Bottom of the deck: 6 of Swords

Quick code: this is an interesting one because the 6 of Swords has that instant meaning of a departure, rescue, or leaving the past behind for new lands. The quick code would be 6 (Success) of Swords (Air, ideas, intellect, mentality) suggesting that the greatest success in terms of our own thoughts (where rumination leads to this entrapment and self-directed attack) is where our thoughts align to allow us the clarity to move on.

I think it’s fair to say that I see this year as a departure so I’m not surprised to see this on the bottom of the deck (I always check the bottom for how it chimes with what I’m essentially feeling in the moment). This is one of my favourite cards in the Fountain deck as the water is my favourite colour – I love the message too.

Why am I so reluctant to talk to people?

I go out for coffee or lunch on my own

(like I’ve been doing for, you know, the past twenty years or so - not always alone but mostly; I read, I write, I write a tonne. It’s normal for me.)

and I always get a little bit nervous ordering, I’m quietly spoken.

(I’ve gone through periods of being more overtly confident, louder, making more eye contact. I’m not nervous or anxious except that it’s just a habit to be that way).

Other people can seem so loud, so confident, their voices carry, the baristas get their orders the first time around. They take their time talking.

And then I sit down and look at all the people and think, they all look so interesting, why would I not want to talk to all of them, hear their stories. I wish I could find a pretext for it, get their attention.

Do I find men more interesting? I think I know what the women will say. I guess there is that added thing of potential chemistry with men, that extra layer of testing whether I’m still attractive. Some men love to talk to women, some don’t I guess. Sometimes I just look at a guy and wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through his hair. Some men look like lovers I’ve had. I’m not looking for lovers right now but I’d still like to hear their stories.

(I wish it was easier to just talk to people, to start conversations.)

Anyway, that whole train of thought is a diversion. I am reluctant to place my order because I am in my internal bubble, the world of my own thoughts. I just don’t want to break the silence. And the wall of glass that kept me captive all those years, is now the window that protects my whole internal world and keeps it all mine.

(You could sit opposite me and not say a word, just make eye contact, and I could look at you from inside the bubble and that would be fine. Just don’t speak. Don’t ask me anything.)

An Introduction to Time

I think about Time so much!

In some senses it’s just a construct, but then there are seasons and circadian rhythms and astrology, to all of which I ascribe massive influence. It seems that often we see Time (yes, I’m going to capitalise it, like a god) as being against us - I am planning a series on all the ways Time governs how we perceive other things. I’m also a massive former productivity nerd; I doubt there are many time-use tracks or hacks that I haven’t tried or dismissed back in the years when life was all about Being by virtue of Doing.

But for now I want to introduce one way I’m using Time (as a construct) to my advantage: Magic Hour. I have just had an extended period of nothing; getting up when I like, sleeping when I like, doing what I feel like doing and making spontaneous decisions about how to use the day on the day as it occurs. This has been monumentally freeing and although I still L O V E Time and all it can allow us to do, I’ve had extended periods where Time has expanded, contracted, and tasks have slipped, certain experiences have had a timelessness to them and there’s been a fair amount of staring out the window. All of this I believe has been beneficial to my welfare at least in the short-term, although it has left me floundering a little for a sense of purpose.

Enter: Magic Hour. Simply, the practice of dedicating one whole hour to a particular task that connects to a Purpose. It might be research for a new venture, work on a connected group of technical tasks, Drawing Board time for the rejuvenation of dormant project or simply getting down and doing the nitty gritty of writing or the like. For current purposes it has to not be a “maintenance” or routine task to qualify as Magic. And thus I shall break forth from my chrysalis of daydreaming as a purposeful butterfly…

2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter V

This was the last chapter of my day really - there was the drive home to come but by this point I’d been round the town, round one side of the lake, stopped for two meals, written, read, taken notes, cried, prayed, and gotten to that kind of mild delirium that comes from hours in the car and miles and miles of walking and talking to yourself the whole time. The sunshine was heady. There was a strong breeze. I was walking again (on the other side of the lake) and I had almost out-walked myself, covered way more ground than I expected, and I think come further in myself than I could really recognise. This was a moment of going beyond myself. 45 minutes perhaps of walking, motion as the wind blew across the water and the sun sparkled. This was the beginning edge of a new version of myself, a new chapter of my personality that I’d been searching for. Stronger than I’d feared. Buoyant, alive. Ploughing ahead without needing to know the way. Moments like this are why we come back from trips changed, refreshed, renewed, and why life goes on to be different

2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter IV

This is where I was catching that early morning light on arriving.

I was just starting to explore the parks and the river, taking in parts of the overall scene, the trees. At the beginning of a day like this I wonder what’s in store, what’s going to unfold, and I start taking stock of life as a snapshot, as it was when I left home, as it looks from a distance. The things unresolved, the things I am waiting to move forward. The achievements and dissatisfactions. The hopes for the what might happen next.

Then there comes this step of, at this point on this one suspended day for wandering, of being with myself, of having to accept myself as I am at that moment. I am really hoping for the next trip that I am in a position to accept myself a little bit more, that I’ll be able to see a difference in my grounding, in my attachment to who I am becoming. That things will be more visible.

I love the greens, and I love the light. There is something of me in all of these pictures, something of myself I recognise in the make-up of the universe around me. A sense of a one-ness with all things and a drawing in of all the beauty in what surrounds me.

2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter III

These posts are making me really happy! I don’t know why telling the story of how I interact with places matters so much but if I keep going maybe I will find out…

This was almost the start of my day, roaming through the town. (The very start was two hours of misty motorways, the sun rising, a hot air balloon in a pale sky, swift wheels on the road.) I loved this town. It was so pretty, spacious with views to the sky, and on a quiet spring Sunday morning had a sandy clean feel perfect for leisurely strolling in circles.

I think to myself, I could live here. I like to imagine living in the places I visit but really could have seen myself here. Though not in the centre, as these days I find I need the space more than the people. On the outskirts, in the countryside, but passing through regularly for the bustle. Something in me thinks that my future imaginary life is better than the one I’m living now, an upgrade, a bonus that I have to qualify for in someway. I always see myself as better in the future. Moving towards greater things. Life right now is almost perfect, possibly the best it’s ever been - do I mean that? There are struggles; I am fighting for things I’ve never had the guts to fight for before, and I do think in that sense that life will be vastly improved once the current fight is won. It might be a different life entirely. And I’m not sure where I’m living now, whether I really see myself in my current circumstances. It’s beautiful, but has terrifying moments. I am longing for the peace the future holds.

2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter II

Next up from Sunday’s trip and we have more water. I picked this spot that came up while I was searching for local houses for sale in the midlands countryside and it turned out to be a huge reservoir with a five-mile perimeter walk. Still searching for peaceful places to sit and just stare at the water, about a mile around I found a single deserted bench looking out with a view right over the lake, and while everyone else was intent on walking and cycling round the path, the little bench seemed made for me. It was quite high with a view for miles out over the countryside and a whole sky full of clouds (we’d had a hailstorm right before) but lots of fishing and sailing activity out on the water.

Honestly I’m not very good at sitting staring at a fixed point and I don’t think I do it enough; it’ll take me a bit more practice and being present to really hold these scenes in my head and start to feel calmer. I thought the fishermen had the right idea, engines off, sat in boat, focusing on a small area of water at a time. However, I do seem to absorb the atmosphere, the intrinsic qualities of the scene and the weather and the feel of the sun and the wind, of being there alone while all these people passed by in couples or families. I probably managed about 30-40 minutes.

I am trying to work out how to let go of the past. While objectively there’s probably nothing wrong with who I’ve been up to now, I am dying to be someone else, trying to dissolve as much of my existing ego as possible (not good for relationships as people mainly relate to your ego) and digging deep within myself to find that kernel of truth, my essence before I started responding and reacting to the pressures of being born and raised here. I’m trying to strip it all back. There’s no need to punish yourself for who you’ve been in the past; but I’m hoping my discomfort and near-loathing for it means I can imagine myself being something fully different in future. Taking life more gracefully.

2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter I

I love nothing more than to take off for the day, weekend, week, however long. Set out at dawn and watch the sunrise through the mist from the road, enjoying the space on the roads before it gets busy. I love multi-stop day-trips where I just wander and pick destinations at random depending on where I am. I have no idea, really, why I love it so much, and it’s very hard to put into words what I gain from it. I’m a solitary person and there’s something about interacting with places and seeking out the beauty, something about finding my spot in the great world outside, that makes me feel free and alive and connected - even though I’m distancing myself from the life that supplies most of my identity. Maybe it is the principle that you can belong nowhere and everywhere. The continual motion and at the same time providing the chance to just stop and take in a scene for a while, to disturb the incessant movement of the everyday. I thought repainting some of these scenes here might help me hold on to them and learn from them a little bit more.

One of the the things I’ve been asking for is a place to sit, quietly, by the water, and contemplate. Yesterday seemed to be all about that. On my way back to the car after a ramble all around an unfamiliar town, I found a little grove right down by the edge of a river, complete with sturdy tree trunks to sit and write on, spring blossom reflected in the water and the slow surge of a minor waterway on a calm sunny morning. It was a little way from the path, the perfect place to hide myself away, watch the water, write, and read. I don’t know why this is so important to me. There’s something about that process of writing, getting new ideas from what I’ve read, trying to work out ways that I can change internally - my soul is on a journey, my physical life a mystery of unexplained joys and disasters, I have not yet mastered myself as a portrayal of what guides me spiritually. So many mistakes. So much longing for change. In these peaceful places, a temporary home built in a grove just for a pondering seeker, I was able to challenge, release and recognise a little more of what I am.

Music and Driving

I had a brief thought today about something they used to tell us in music class at school: that learning an instrument made you more likely to pass your driving test.

Random right? I think there was something in the news at the time about some link they’d discovered between the two. I think it was because performing and taking exams (it doesn’t have to be music really does it?) supposedly gets you used to performing well on the spot in practical exams and interviews. From an early age you’re used to the build up of tension, adrenaline, and the highs and lows of passing and failing. That makes sense to me.

Now that lockdown is easing here and roadtrips are looking like making a return (although no overnight stays yet) I was thinking while watching guys drive (read: race!) with some personality around the car park today, that there’s another connection, although this is as true of certain sports as well I think. When you play an instrument, that instrument becomes part of you, an extension of you - and that’s what driving is like too, isn’t it? Your vehicle becomes an extension of who you are, where you want to go, and often what you feel too. You can pretty much tell when drivers are angry or spot those who manoeuvre with particular finesse. I’d see a connection there too.

You are meant to have what you want

I had a major epiphany today (well several, over the past few days, but this one answered one of my longest-standing riddles).

You are meant to have what you want. That is how the world works.

There are a gazillion ways to make a living that don’t involve working 9-5, being on a contract, signing your life or your time away.

All of those ways could lead eventually to exponential earnings, because money loves money and attracts more money.

So whatever path you choose, eventually you will find yourself with more money than you know what to do with.

At that point, comes the unavoidable question of: what will you do with your life?

If you could live a life of total freedom, what would give it purpose beyond work and earning money?

It is the fact that we find answering this question so hard, that makes choosing the 9-5 seem easier. Makes signing the contract easier.

That’s why this is the first and only question that matters. What will you do? With all your time, with your resources, with yourself? What matters?

Answer that truthfully, and your reality will start form itself around the answers. It can’t help it. Whether you answer it now or after you have unlimited time, money and energy makes no difference. You will have to answer it someday. If you can’t answer the question, then it’s a matter of luck, not only whether you’ll ever get the chance to live the answer, but what the answer will turn out to be - in short, what you’ll end up doing with your life.

Happy imaginings!

First Quarter: Complete

Ten weeks ago (so not quite the start of the year, which started bumpily) I was feeling pretty low and when I realised it was ten weeks to the start of April and the Easter break, I committed to see what I could do to turn things around in that time. At the beginning, each week seemed to go so slowly, but the last three or four have just sped by. I didn’t really have much of a process or a vision for this, but I did everything I could to follow the positive vibes when and where they appeared and this resulted in an overhaul of my eating habits, meal planning, cooking, being much more organised at home, having better elements in my daily routine to choose from, being more productive creatively, sleeping a more regular schedule, and learning to connect spiritually in new ways.

Now the spring has well and truly come and those grim winter days are long gone (I don’t know about anyone else but I felt truly lost over the winter - ultimately in a helpful way but it wasn’t particularly fun!) and it seems with each day and hour even that I’m coming back to myself, stepping into my power and being more deliberate about what I want to make in the world.

So some questions for today as we embark on the next month and the next quarter and the happy run to midsummer’s day:

• Who do you see yourself becoming by the end of June (or the solstice if that’s more meaningful to you)? How do you see your life changing?

• What can you take from what you’ve learnt so far this year to embed in your daily life/routine as an improvement?

• What’s driving you now? If it’s different from what was driving you at the start of the year then, how? What resources does this drive need?

New Moon: Mode B

Today I wouldn’t say I’d “achieved” a lot - health baseline hit and a couple of other bits done, but hardly productive. But in a way I learned something totally new: how to relax well, without going back to sleep, without fretting, without getting down on myself. In a way, I took a step towards preparing for my new life, the life I just live, happily.

Resting Well included:

• A long walk

• Hot coffee

• Excellent home-prepared meals

• Soaking up the sunshine

• Cuddle time

• Painting

• Reading a book I wouldn’t normally say I “had time for”

• Learning a new meditation/relaxation technique from the book

• Calling a friend

• Pottering around the flat - I can really see how small changes and bits of tidying up can cleanse the space

• Little bits of new hobbies for the fun of them, without having to achieve anything

• Wrote up some affirmations

I stayed off the laptop and TV shows until normal time in the evening. Learning to subsist in the semi-silence was actually really lovely. I just enjoyed existing, took the weather as it came and went, did what felt right.

All these days are steps in the right direction. Coming out of addiction and depression is like learning how to live all over again.

Change for Good?

I’ve been on a health/weight-loss kick since the start of the year (not my first time! and I expect I’m not alone here). I’ve been doing Noom and while I’m not going to share Noom’s tips and tricks here I will say it’s well worth the money - I have never enjoyed losing weight so much or lost it so consistently - or been able to maintain a calorie deficit for so long so uninterruptedly.

I feel like I was just “ready” this time - there could be lots of reasons for this, including that the isolation of Lockdown and being left alone to my own thoughts and values actually resulted in me seeing how much I wanted to change. I was granted a blessed, almost unbelievable amount of acceptance out there in my work, among my friends, in public, but actually what I was doing wasn’t good enough for me and in the end I felt I had no choice but to change. Being on my own so much made that crystal clear and inescapable. So notwithstanding that I’ve had an eating disorder for most of my life and been treated and lost and regained weight and undergone every kind of disastrous failure when trying to attempt this in the past, I really believe it’s still achievable and that I’ve made irreversible changes (I’m about 13% of the way towards my ultimate goal) because this time it was so internally motivated and part of a much wider process of willing my life to be how I’d like it to be.

I’ll share some of my own meal hacks etc. as we go along - strong as the will may be, the logistics of ensuring a calorie deficit are the same puzzle they always were - but the biggest success factor for me has been this:

My body’s needs from food are only part of what I use food for.

My relationship with food has been so major and involved, with all my daily routines, much of my mood and much of my thinking absorbed in it. It’s dictated how I use my time, how I feel, what I allow myself to do, for as long as I can remember and it has overshadowed almost every other form of pleasure. But really, my body only needs so much food, it’s only designed to deal with so much food, and that amount will never change no matter how I feel - so while I’m not saying it’s not normal to enjoy food and use it to an extent as comfort, celebration, and reward, it doesn’t deserve this supreme overarching role. It doesn’t deserve to be my first (mmm well brunch though… ;) ) last and every waking thought. It’s fuel, plus a bit of what you fancy. So all that other space it was taking up is my life and time to do other things with.

It feels odd to say that I’m allowing the role of food to diminish.

I felt quite lonely to start with.

I’m still in the process of working out what else in my life I can build stronger relationships with in its place.

I’ve realised I can start using my Gemini nature to keep me from getting too obsessed in any one direction. Being naturally interested in a wide variety of things, hobbies and learning come easily and adding new things is never the problem (adding too many at once might be!) So in the aftermath of the one true obsession I did have, I’m finding there’s a natural attention span to activities and tasks and that I’ll naturally flow between them. A richer life all round? That’s probably why I can’t see myself going back to being who I was. The role my eating played is no longer necessary; it’s run its course, and although all my life I wished things were different, I’m now enjoying what I’m learning from the process of change so much that I’m grateful for the chance to go through it. It’s an adventure I would never have had otherwise.

Sleep

Sunrise this morning - worth getting up and out for.

I’ve been round the houses with my sleep pattern - I’m guessing this is a general Lockdown thing and would love to hear about other people’s random sleep habits. I’ve been reading Matthew Edlund’s The Power of Rest intermittently - it’s about much more than just sleep - and though (like most things I read) I’ll only apply a portion of it myself, I do find people’s experiences around sleep fascinating.

I’ve never been an amazing sleeper, I always notice when I’ve slept through the night because it happens very rarely (maybe a couple of times a year) and it’s always taken me a long time to fall asleep, though this improves with a tonne of exercise and anything I do to address background anxiety. I have given up caffeine in the past and I don’t believe it plays a major role (not enough to be worth giving it up!) and I’m extremely undisciplined about electronics in the bedroom although I have all the bluelight filters on now. I also currently have a significant distance relationship where our only currently available chat time is sometime between 11pm - half-midnight - so these are the parameters I’ve been working within.

These are the Lockdown-specific factors:

• the ability to conduct almost all my activities around any chosen schedule and lack of daytime scheduling. There are restrictions on shop opening hours but even that is only overnight between 10pm and 6am here.

• wanting to sleep more or finding it harder to wake up because there’s not enough to do, the days feel long (I get lonely and would rather be asleep) or there aren’t enough plans

• it’s very difficult to wear myself out completely; I’ll get emotionally weary but not physically exhausted

• general mood issues affecting sleep

• it’s also quite hard to justify getting overly tired when being home all the time (bed is right there!) - whereas outside of home I would have mostly just kept on pushing through if I got tired, it’s harder to do this at home

• I basically never have to wake up to an alarm - I do set them occasionally if there’s something I’ve got to match schedules with but because I tend to wake between sleep cycles anyway I just get up at the nearest one to the alarm time rather than letting it wake me

Mostly I have slept as much as I’ve wanted to and when I’ve wanted to and after years of a packed schedule and feeling pretty much universally under-slept, I finally came out the other side of this luxurious sleep allowance to where I only wanted (physically wanted) to sleep for a normal amount - somewhere between 7 and 9 hours of actual sleep.

Over the winter I did chase my sleep around the clock once; for some reason I do seem to sleep better (more contentedly) during the day and having to try to sleep at night is something I grow a bit resentful about - but I have to balance this off against missing the daytimes and the light, especially in the winter here where it’s easily possible to sleep through entire days and never get any daylight. For a while I was going to sleep around 3-4am and then one day it was 6am and it just kept going from there. After that I settled on an extended bedtime starting from around 1am until late morning, give or take, during which I’d try to get the right amount of total sleep but sometimes with a break in the middle.

The spanner in the works now is that this is my favourite time of year and I love to see the spring dawns - in the past when I’ve had office hours I’ve been known to get up at 4am across the summer (not daily but at least a couple of times a week) and I’m not willing to miss out on that completely; it’s also my favourite time to exercise. It’s not compatible with the post-chat 1am bedtime so I have to choose - ideally I’d like one shorter night followed by a longer one where I sleep in and then I’d get the best of both worlds, if my body could adapt to this.

What I’ve learned about my own preferences:

• I’m not a fan of naps any more - I used to love them and you’d often find me curled up peacefully on the sofa during the day, but now I’d rather go to sleep properly, in bed, for a good chunk of time and then have clear awake times. Maybe it is worth thinking about your Awake Pattern more than Sleep Pattern?

• I get naturally sleepy about 3am - I am both an owl and a lark, in fact at some times of year my ideal sleeping and waking times would only be an hour or two apart!

• I am OK waking up in the dark if it’s pre-dawn but hate it in the evening.

• There’s nothing I dislike more than trying to force myself to sleep at specific times; the most relaxing thing is to allow myself to sleep when I’m ready to and then work around it within reason.

• I want to be awake! I am enjoying life more and there are things about the daytimes (especially mornings) that I really want to get up for.

• If I’ve got a particular time in mind to be awake for I will generally naturally wake up around that time, without an alarm.

So for this week I have been trying a bi-phase (split sleep) schedule that goes something like this:

• Sleep when I’m sleepy at night (between 2:30-4am) but don’t make myself go to bed until I’m ready

• Get up when my sleep splits (around 6-7am) and enjoy the dawn, take a walk

• Stay up until I’m sleepy again - this part can be hazy as I’m “under”-slept but nice for reading, writing, pottering around.

• Sleep another 3-4 hours in the middle of the day

• Wake up and start what would have been my normal day (so maybe 12-14 hours between lunchtime and the next sleep)

• This has knock-on effects with other daily routines, mealtimes in particular - I’ll come back to that later

I don’t think I can split-sleep in the long-term but I’m comfortable with it for now. That alternating short/long sleep pattern is still the ideal I’m working towards but my quality of life is much better for getting my mornings back and hopefully I’m building a bit of discipline around getting up (and having things worth getting up for - twice a day!)

Re-emergence

I’ve been contemplating a return to blogging for a couple of months and finally I’m here! with lots to say on various topics; I have a Hundred Helpful Thoughts project I’m working on, and various thoughts about lockdown life which we’re still one-foot-in here. Like most people, it’s been a year since I was office-bound, socialising and travelling as a norm and I am trying to separate the ways that year has shaped me for the future into distinct threads - which I think writing will help with.

I live alone and lockdown has been a combination of getting insanely comfortable within my four-wall-fortress, and confronting the internal landscape of my mind. This mental world expanded to fill the space left by events, socialising, roaming, exploring, commuting, and all the outside-home things we’ve no longer been able to do - even when I’ve been outside walking I’ve been further into my head having conversations about what’s happening (or not). There has been nowhere to hide from parts of my own persona that I’d previously tried to muffle with my busy life, and like it or not I have had to face down discomforting trains of thought and self-conceptualisation that have dogged me most of my life. Regardless of how lonely and unforgiving that’s felt at times, I feel much stronger in terms of not hiding from myself (and no longer needing to), having a good think about how I want to combine what I’ve got inside and honour what I am with the life that I’m living, and settling on some pretty big changes in what I’m actually doing with my time. I would sum this up as a massive formative process and a shift in fundamental values and it turns out that what’s important to me is different from what was important when I was engaged in this cover-up web of a lifestyle. Many things have become vastly clearer.

My biggest takeaways have been:

• Values-wise, my priority is freedom, especially the freedom to live each day as it comes, let it unfold as it will and embrace the unexpected.

• Ironically, social distancing has given me back the power to determine how I choose to interact with the world and those around me.

• I have to take responsibility for myself, and I’ve learnt that I can trust myself to do the things that matter - this is a huge relief. Independence and freedom go hand in hand and I’m less anxious the less reliant I need to be on others.

Overall I see this as a tale of empowerment.

Things I’m still working on:

• Courage

• Self-expression

• Contributing, sense of purpose

• Balance

• If my driving force is no longer (or decreasingly) fear and anxiety, what is my life built on now?

Stability

It’s odd to say, I don’t think I’ve ever been this stable.

It probably has a lot to do with some of my circumstances (emotional ones particularly) being stable and going from strength to strength.

I’ve learned how to do the right things for myself and apply a little bit of common sense to what needs to be a priority on the daily level.

I think it also has a bit to do with, ironically, a massively increased tolerance for, and embracing of, the unpredictable.

I’ve also discovered, that if you’re really clear on what you want, there’s a much better chance of you getting it… it’s always worth asking yourself the question just in case - and so that you recognise getting what you want, the times it comes along.

I’d never seen my insecurities as an asset, but if there’s one thing to be said for insecurity, it means you haven’t yet made up your mind. You’re still on the fence, and everything is still possible. And that’s certainly a mindset you can turn to your advantage.

Attachment in Relationships

I couldn’t decide what to write about today but I’ve had a lovely experience this morning so i thought I’d write a bit more about attachment in relationships.

I’m really lucky in that right now I’m able to have a bunch of connections with different people that are building over time, they’re close, caring and intimate. A lot of this has to do with Lockdown and having way too much time to think about it, followed by being way too alone to not act on what I’d thought about. The good news is that I’ve been able to do what I’ve wanted and needed to do to be happy.

The connections I’ve made - I wouldn’t call them all “relationships” as I think that does imply a structure and an attachment that isn’t there in all of them - they have varying levels of attachment to them.

I have one major figure who actually offers to take care of a lot of my emotional needs and I very much am dependent on this person for a certain amount of my daily comfort and happiness. I know what to do if I don’t have interactions with them but I can and do bank on a certain level of contact at certain times and in a certain way - how they talk to me, what they say, how the listen, how we both seem to prioritise each other’s feelings. They provide me with a completely accepting forum to say whatever is on my mind and be honest about myself and that, I’ve come to believe, is the crux of any really great and strong relationship. They let me surprise them. It’s completely stable in that we neither of us know what’s coming next. I don’t - and can’t - depend on them for anything practical, though. This kind of attachment is beautiful in its mutual reliability. We know where we stand and that we can ask for anything emotionally. We both do our best to provide whatever we can of the other’s needs and we show up each day because we want to.

My next closest connection, I would say, does have an attachment in terms of time and meeting and a certain amount of interaction. We relate principally in person and I am attached to the time-sense seeing them with a certain degree of frequency and getting to spend a certain amount of time together; I get disappointed when this isn’t possible and I’m not sure yet whether it would survive as a connection if we weren’t able to honour a certain level of time in each other’s presence. I would be sad without them, sad if we weren’t friends any more or in each other’s lives. This is the connection that’s taught me most about how it’s OK to want attachment and to ask freely for what you’d like but just to be aware of what you’re asking for.

To a certain extent I would (and have and do) miss anyone I’ve come to care for, but the third connection I’m going to talk about is one where I don’t really factor that in to the frame of thinking about them. They’ll show up out of the blue, always spontaneous, impromptu, immediate, and when they’re gone I have total acceptance of the fact that I have no idea when - or indeed whether - I’ll see them again. I’ve never asked for anything (including clarity! or any kind of plan or prospect) and we’ve both always been clear about what we don’t have to offer. That said, they do show up with a certain amount of regularity and very joyfully so because we really like each other, have plenty to give each other, and we always have a great time, whenever and however long it is, because there are no expectations. You really don’t need any kind of commitment or attachment for a connection to be extremely close, free and rewarding. The way we are with each other is completely present, joyous and beautiful. We are getting to know each other and getting used to how we enjoy each other’s company, but constantly surprise each other and this is one I would like to keep as close to completely attachment-free as possible.

So I think that leaves me with a few different types of attachment too -

• dependence on someone for something you need, or a commitment from them to provide something

• time attachments, that someone will be there temporally in a particular way and you notice their absence as destabilising

• attachment to expectations, that you can get used to someone being consistent in the various ways they act and relate to you

In some ways I think I have been deliberately experimenting with different levels and types of attachment and have accepted the lessons that’s given me in terms of managing my own emotions and expectations and finding other ways to manage them - to the point where I can go into new connections now and be completely open to what happens and who people are without having any expectations of what they can offer to a relationship and how things are going to unfold between us - it’s about us as people completely and each one rolls out differently, I don’t have any “requirements” as such. I’d also say for the first time that all my emotional needs are being met at once, ironically.

It’s good as it is bad

We all feel fear at the edge of the unknown.

You can learn to love that feeling of fear though. It can become excitement, curiosity, a hunger for the new, a heightened thrill.

Your greatest joys will often be accompanied by your greatest fears.

I’ve been trying to see the emergence of fear as a way to judge just how much joy I’m getting myself into…

Your demons will chase you down the most when you really knark them by being so happy and free.

On Happiness

[Little bit of actual journalling from yesterday] - this is about not holding on to happiness.

To be this happy this much of the time and to want to hold on.

To see it as them making me happy, when it’s me pulling the happy in.

Something I will always be able to do.

Something that’ll always be out there for me.

It’s the ultimate assurance that happiness will always return to you, if you can have happiness and let it go.

Be willing to release your grip on it.

So when you write your morning gratitudes

don’t just be grateful for what you want more of, even though that is how it works

be grateful and let go of what you’re being grateful for.

Be grateful for the things you may never experience again.

Be grateful without looking to the future.

Greater happinesses await you.

Attachment

I’ve been dancing for years around this Buddhist idea that attachment is unhelpful and leads to suffering - because as we know everything changes and whatever you choose to attach yourself too can be lost; or as my teenage mantra would have had it: everyone leaves, everything changes.

Being adaptable to change is key to surviving and thriving in your circumstances.

Being able to anticipate, predict and prepare for change will give you commercial strategic advantage.

I’ve been working through a series of attachment issues over the last few years.

I’ve worked out how to be less attached to other people’s fidelity.

I’ve worked out how to be accepting of all possible (imaginable) outcomes to an event, situation or decision - there is always a silver lining and if you don’t get your most favourable outcome, everything can be an opportunity, even if it’s just to do something else, or something new, or learning how to deal with upheaval in a new way.

I’ve worked out how to be less attached to people’s perception of me, and more assertive in accepting my own image of myself, which is constantly developing and reconstituting itself.

I’ve noticed I’m really struggling at the moment with attachment to my meaning to other people and my role in their lives; I really want to matter to other people, to be special, irreplaceable, cherished and unique and have them demonstrably convince me of it. Which is daft because some people are demonstrative and I totally take it for granted.

I think a lot of attachment is about feeling in control; we’re rarely ever in control so it doesn’t make much sense to hang too much on that.

What would you do if you lost control? If the opposite happened?

What would I do differently if I was equally happy whether I mattered to other people or not? What would my life look like?