Attachment in Relationships
I couldn’t decide what to write about today but I’ve had a lovely experience this morning so i thought I’d write a bit more about attachment in relationships.
I’m really lucky in that right now I’m able to have a bunch of connections with different people that are building over time, they’re close, caring and intimate. A lot of this has to do with Lockdown and having way too much time to think about it, followed by being way too alone to not act on what I’d thought about. The good news is that I’ve been able to do what I’ve wanted and needed to do to be happy.
The connections I’ve made - I wouldn’t call them all “relationships” as I think that does imply a structure and an attachment that isn’t there in all of them - they have varying levels of attachment to them.
I have one major figure who actually offers to take care of a lot of my emotional needs and I very much am dependent on this person for a certain amount of my daily comfort and happiness. I know what to do if I don’t have interactions with them but I can and do bank on a certain level of contact at certain times and in a certain way - how they talk to me, what they say, how the listen, how we both seem to prioritise each other’s feelings. They provide me with a completely accepting forum to say whatever is on my mind and be honest about myself and that, I’ve come to believe, is the crux of any really great and strong relationship. They let me surprise them. It’s completely stable in that we neither of us know what’s coming next. I don’t - and can’t - depend on them for anything practical, though. This kind of attachment is beautiful in its mutual reliability. We know where we stand and that we can ask for anything emotionally. We both do our best to provide whatever we can of the other’s needs and we show up each day because we want to.
My next closest connection, I would say, does have an attachment in terms of time and meeting and a certain amount of interaction. We relate principally in person and I am attached to the time-sense seeing them with a certain degree of frequency and getting to spend a certain amount of time together; I get disappointed when this isn’t possible and I’m not sure yet whether it would survive as a connection if we weren’t able to honour a certain level of time in each other’s presence. I would be sad without them, sad if we weren’t friends any more or in each other’s lives. This is the connection that’s taught me most about how it’s OK to want attachment and to ask freely for what you’d like but just to be aware of what you’re asking for.
To a certain extent I would (and have and do) miss anyone I’ve come to care for, but the third connection I’m going to talk about is one where I don’t really factor that in to the frame of thinking about them. They’ll show up out of the blue, always spontaneous, impromptu, immediate, and when they’re gone I have total acceptance of the fact that I have no idea when - or indeed whether - I’ll see them again. I’ve never asked for anything (including clarity! or any kind of plan or prospect) and we’ve both always been clear about what we don’t have to offer. That said, they do show up with a certain amount of regularity and very joyfully so because we really like each other, have plenty to give each other, and we always have a great time, whenever and however long it is, because there are no expectations. You really don’t need any kind of commitment or attachment for a connection to be extremely close, free and rewarding. The way we are with each other is completely present, joyous and beautiful. We are getting to know each other and getting used to how we enjoy each other’s company, but constantly surprise each other and this is one I would like to keep as close to completely attachment-free as possible.
So I think that leaves me with a few different types of attachment too -
dependence on someone for something you need, or a commitment from them to provide something
time attachments, that someone will be there temporally in a particular way and you notice their absence as destabilising
attachment to expectations, that you can get used to someone being consistent in the various ways they act and relate to you
In some ways I think I have been deliberately experimenting with different levels and types of attachment and have accepted the lessons that’s given me in terms of managing my own emotions and expectations and finding other ways to manage them - to the point where I can go into new connections now and be completely open to what happens and who people are without having any expectations of what they can offer to a relationship and how things are going to unfold between us - it’s about us as people completely and each one rolls out differently, I don’t have any “requirements” as such. I’d also say for the first time that all my emotional needs are being met at once, ironically.