2021 Roadtrip I, Chapter II

Next up from Sunday’s trip and we have more water. I picked this spot that came up while I was searching for local houses for sale in the midlands countryside and it turned out to be a huge reservoir with a five-mile perimeter walk. Still searching for peaceful places to sit and just stare at the water, about a mile around I found a single deserted bench looking out with a view right over the lake, and while everyone else was intent on walking and cycling round the path, the little bench seemed made for me. It was quite high with a view for miles out over the countryside and a whole sky full of clouds (we’d had a hailstorm right before) but lots of fishing and sailing activity out on the water.

Honestly I’m not very good at sitting staring at a fixed point and I don’t think I do it enough; it’ll take me a bit more practice and being present to really hold these scenes in my head and start to feel calmer. I thought the fishermen had the right idea, engines off, sat in boat, focusing on a small area of water at a time. However, I do seem to absorb the atmosphere, the intrinsic qualities of the scene and the weather and the feel of the sun and the wind, of being there alone while all these people passed by in couples or families. I probably managed about 30-40 minutes.

I am trying to work out how to let go of the past. While objectively there’s probably nothing wrong with who I’ve been up to now, I am dying to be someone else, trying to dissolve as much of my existing ego as possible (not good for relationships as people mainly relate to your ego) and digging deep within myself to find that kernel of truth, my essence before I started responding and reacting to the pressures of being born and raised here. I’m trying to strip it all back. There’s no need to punish yourself for who you’ve been in the past; but I’m hoping my discomfort and near-loathing for it means I can imagine myself being something fully different in future. Taking life more gracefully.