On an unknown path
See that path running off before me
Lockdown has cost me a chunk of my spiritedness. Allbeit that I’m more industrious than before, and less frazzled, gliding through life and tasks interspersed with frequent lengthy walks, naps and moments of mental clarity. I used to get excited about people, seeing them, learning from them, interacting with them, hearing their stories. And - well this is a typical Jasmine thing I suppose - at least half my social life was made up of kissing strangers. I was going on dates pretty much every week and if he was any kind of cute I’d kiss him if he’d let me - but who wants to kiss anyone now? Or get within two metres of a stranger to do so? That shit’ll kill you.
Less than a month before the lockdown started I started seeing someone and although it was early days and there were some obvious issues things did seem to be going pretty well - he was easy to spend time with and created that calm, safe space that I just love, and we were affectionate, and talked a lot. It hasn’t survived the lockdown though even though we tried everything we could think of to stay in touch. There’s been an element of paranoia to being alone and misreading other people’s motives, being unable to judge whether they really care and (often erroneously, probably) assuming they don’t. I’ve gotten quite hard-hearted, I’m ashamed to say (the whole proposition was a bit nuts though, there’s no changing that). I am resolutely not ready for relationships and hated all this stuff about being told who I could and couldn’t see or talk to or what had been going on in the past or… all these questions. Perfectly reasonable but unanswerable questions.
And then when I did see him again and he hugged me and I just didn’t feel anything, couldn’t let myself feel comforted by it… I don’t know what the future holds but in ten days I’m going to be two months into another year of celibacy only this one could be the first of many… but at least I have done it before so know what to expect now. And there are people out there who wouldn’t let it go a year, surely?
Perfect dream
I’ve been dreaming a perfect dream of freedom.
Freedom from worry and doubt, freedom to act as I please and to create whatever I wish.
That dream is coming true.
And it’s only a month away.
A month from tomorrow I will finish work and all my time will be mine, with enough savings aside to be able to suspend worry about the future for at least the rest of the year, or 200 days.
I’ve never had a chance like this before.
I will be able to have time completely off like I’ve never had.
I will be able to dedicate myself 100% to my own creative endeavours for the first time, and build synergy.
I will be able to wake up each day and decide exactly what to devote myself to.
A day completely of writing, or of music, or of entrepreneurship, or of connecting, or of reading, or just being, outside.
Just a perfect time to truly be myself for the first time.
Teasing out creativity
Why do we do it to ourselves?
You’d think it’d be easy, creating things, when you know you’re a creative person.
To say “I know how to use words,” or “I know how to write music” - and to just do it.
And there probably are people like that, who just wake up every morning and go straight to work and create, create, create, incessantly.
I’m not one of them, yet.
My creativity has to be teased out, enticed to the surface, bribed with all sorts of treats and promises of rest and idleness.
There should be a delight in it - and in using my mind, too.
I question its worth, honestly, in a world that’s already full of creations.
I suppose that is the point - if you can, do. If you have something to say, say it.
Somebody told me that once.
Somtimes, I feel that way. as if it’s an inherent celebration of who I am, my existence, to be able to create this way.
That’s the time to create, I suppose.
There is plenty of other time to do the legwork, deal with the logistics, the research, the practicalities.
To be ready for when that moment strikes, when I give myself permission, when I’m free, when I see the point.
There are people who never get the chance to express themselves that way.
Also I have to embrace that there are a large number of things pulling on my attention.
They’ll only light me up for short stretches of time each, like striking matches.
And that, too is ok, something to accept.
It will be clearer as I go, I suspect, what of this mixture of things carries value.
In the meantime I’m free to do everything at once and this scattered focus, this blissful indecision, is my freedom.
For now, I know how to set myself tasks when I’m inspired, and build up discipline to complete them when I’m not.
And I will have time soon enough to expand and explore. 4 1/2 weeks.
Dreams, 3 May 2020
Last night I dreamt there was a snake in my bed, a small but long black and white snake. In my BED. Right there where I was laying.
Before that I’d dreamt about getting left out of texts and online exchanges by Lucy and Beth.
But Lucy’s been dead for four years. And why on earth would you dream of the dead with jealousy? When deep in my heart even my closest friend sometimes left me feeling outside. But it makes no sense to dream that way now.
I suppose we did speak of her yesterday. I don’t think he likes it when I drop death into the conversation, he tenses, I can tell from his breathing, even down the phone. Most people are like that I suppose. It makes little enough difference to me - death is commonplace enough, though we accord it a special status by avoidance. Is death really to be feared? No-one can tell me to think of Lucy as if she no longer exists, as if her essence has evaporated completely.
I wish I had walked now, but I’ll enjoy it tomorrow.
Oh and the snake? I decided enough was enough. I picked it up (avoiding its head, so help me) with a view of transporting it to, and opening, the window. I didn’t need to kill it, there was fear, I was rash, it just needed to not be in my bed! But it had to be dealt with. I awoke, of course, in the process of raising myself from the bed.
Look at what’s already happened
Today, take a look at all the things that have already happened.
All the things you made happen.
Did you ever think you’d be sitting here like this?
Surrounded by all these things?
Take some time to look at the dreams that already came true.
All the things you worked for, and all the things that happened by sheer luck.
All the wonderful people you’re lucky enough to have met.
That’s all I’m going to do, all day long.
Your luck is in your conflicts
… like diamonds in the rough.
I could go on forever, it’s like a daisy chain.
How the way I miss holding him makes it so amazing that he is there.
And the way I will miss my activities and daily routines when I’m with him makes it so amazing that my day-to-day tasks are so richly varied and fulfilling.
And the way I am always busy (and tired!) makes it so amazing to have so many interests and ideas.
How the silence makes it easier to think.
There are treasures hidden in the things I would complain about. A sparkly flipside.
A day like today
You can achieve anything on a day like today.
There are no limits.
You are the Magician, you hold all the tools in your hand.
Ready to conjure up and create everything you can imagine.
So close to the destination, climbing up to the next level.
Not even climbing. Floating. Rising up on a cloud.
Grating
Why does she frustrate me so much?
The shackles are your own delusion. You think things that make things seem worse than they are.
It’s only a little big longer but a good chance to work on reframing while I still have annoyances to reframe.
Have I gotten so used to everything being perfect?
I need to hate someone because I’m still so angry for being in the wrong position to start with.
It’d be better to let that go - I didn’t do anything wrong by doing what I felt I had to do at the time. I thought it would all work out and it did, by some measures. We were secure when we needed to be and then I found my way. None of these things have been as easy as things are now.
She’s a lot of the opposites to what I want to feel.
Short with us when I think people should come first.
Shortsighted when I would tend to see the pitfalls in terms of the long-term end-game.
Blinkered when - if no-one’s taking the big-picture, holistic view, then what are we doing?
Thinking that it all revolves around her - her desperate grasps at security for herself above all else. I don’t need to be like that. And I will need to get used it all revolving around me as it’ll be my business, my choices, soon.
Deliciously oblivious because I’ve been able to shield her from the worst of the truth.
Was I trying to protect us both? Anyway there was nothing to salvage that hasn’t been.
It’s just friction and a sign that I’m right to make a change. But it’s not worth hating someone just to ease the moving on.
Historic Journals: 28 April 2011
Yesterday’s main bit of drama was talking to B about the permanent contract - took me ages to work up to it. And when I did he clearly thought I was going to resign because Ive got another job - he seemed pleasantly surprised that I wanted to stay and kind of sprang into action. I still don’t know what’s going on but he had no problem with telling me NO when I asked last time, so I’m hoping it’s a yes.
I’m kind of resigned to the extra day for the rest of this year as long as I have some holiday and about 5 hours during the day to do whatever I like! And once the exams are over I won’t need to study so much, I’m not going to be busting my gut for a qualification I don’t even want. I’m used to the commute now as well. I’ll just have to fit as much music stuff around work as I can. All I’m selling myself into is a slack job where I have loads of free time, some good fiends, the chance to still use some of my skills and virtually no stress at all. And it’ll solve all our problems, both of s, for the time being.
Life is going to be OK.
[Edit: so this was me trying to get INTO the job I’m only now just getting out of! It served its purpose and plenty more besides but man, I’ve done my time. This was just one of those critical moments where I felt cornered and ultimately made the wrong choice. But possibly right at the time.]
Energy Days
I don’t know how anyone else deals with this but as a creative person working for myself the concept of “days off” can be pretty elusive at times. The line between work and enjoyment is so blurry anyway but I am trying to work out what I need in terms of rest and unplugging from the creative/productive dynamo. There are complicated questions about how much I do for the sheer love of it and how much is structured towards income and then there’s “work” that isn’t necessarily income-producing. Maybe it’s the definitions that are unhelpful, I’m not sure.
Anyway, this weekend I had made so much progress during the week (not everything, but most of it) that I wanted to have two days where I just allowed myself to BE. Exercise in the form of long walks were my only commitment. I did end up napping but also naturally gravitated to some light-level creativity, reading, and just conversations with the unknown and time that was contemplative or meditative. It was about comfort and playing around with ideas and with objects. I like to wishcast for the future as well as sit in gratitude for what I have. I need to find a balance between that sense of wanting to move forward to something greater and also being extremely grateful for where I am - the most important concept being that of moving forward in confidence and sure of succeeding, that’s the best but trickiest feeling to foster I think as we all have doubts about our abilities.
I came out of the weekend with loads of new ideas to work on, but still (here on Monday morning) trying to ramp up the energy to implement them. I have various ways of approaching that though. Coffee, taking my time, only letting myself do things for five minutes to start with, and books I’m reading that will encourage me to move forwards. That’s all I have to do today - forget the lists, but apply myself practically to the ideas.
Duality
It’s all about the balance between your spiritual and physical experience, this is what I’m learning.
Yes, to an extent you can make some kind of escape onto a spiritual plane until you’re forced to deal with practical realities again. And yes, you can see the spiritual shining through the way the physical world is manifested, the daily changes and occurrences and the forces at play.
You can’t divorce yourself from the physical/material completely.
To turn your back on the spiritual is… a different kind of death, of un-being, disconnect.
Also, your physical/material experience will always always reflect what is going on with you spiritually.
All of that being “true”, it's hard to say which is more important to pay attention to. You can’t live without either and I guess everyone has their own stance on how useful it is to hang out in spiritual peace constantly if it’s limiting the use you make of the physical resources you have available to you. The translation of the spiritual into this current reality, the flow and the connections between people are what interest me most. Maybe that’s why the obsession with trees: spirit in physical form.
Control what you can.
Sometimes it feels like you can’t control what happens to you
Or how you feel about it
But you always have a choice
Over how you respond, or don’t
A choice to learn, a way to grow
A chance to try things differently
No-one else can benefit from your learning and growth like you can
Take Action
Take Action
and Expect Good Things.
Do all the things you can think of and expect them to work.
Follow through on your newest, brightest ideas and expect change.
Imagine…
…. just for a little while, stop and imagine that you really were in charge of everything that happened in your life.
Somehow, the author of it all.
Now, look out over the landscape of your life. All those edges that seem haphazard.
What would you want for yourself?
What would you change?
And then take a step back, float into the air, look backwards and forwards and in every possible direction.
Would your BIG dreams change?
What do you want for your future?
What do you need to be happy, right now?
Because that might be exactly how things are.
And if so, you’ll get everything you’ve asked for.
This’ll probably never happen again in our lifetimes.
Well it could be the “new” normal
But I think it’s highly likely it’s a one-off.
Whether it’s 3 weeks or 7 or 12.
Our lives will probably go back to how they were eventually.
So much we weren’t expecting.
To be apart for so long.
To find so many new ways of doing so many things. Existence has changed so much.
So much time to think and change.
I think we all had the chance to reassess what matters.
We’re coming to the end of something that may never happen again.
So if you want to change something, now’s the time to do it.
Come out of this with a fresh start or a bunch of new ideas.
All The Things I Miss about All The Things I Love
How much of life there is to love. Today was a day for feeling grateful.
Every time I miss something I can’t do because of the lockdown now I just think….
wow, but our lives were complex and varied and just brimming with incredible joyous things.
And there we were, all thinking we were overwhelmingly busy and stressed and nothing was fair.
So I’ve been composing endless lists of things that were amazing before
to be surpassed only by the endless lists of things I am really enjoying right now
and all I can say is I have no need to be anything but grateful, for what I have, and for what I miss
knowing that one day I will have it all again and savour every single one of those endless things
even more.
Drowning in Directions
I do like to fill my days with things. I get something stuck in my head as a good way forward and then I think YES! I should make time to do this EVERY day! This is the core of who I am!
And then there are two things that happen - I don’t end up doing those things every day, because I have lots of them, and any one of them could be key and fundamental if I invested time in it daily, they are all valid, good things to be doing. And then I have new ideas. And some of those ideas sometimes seem even greater and more worth the daily input.
So today I had the revelation that
really, life should be about chasing down the new ideas. Whatever occurs to me on a given day should be enacted as far as possible on that day and that’s how you get miracles and exponential change throughout your life. If you pushed a new idea every day even for 30 minutes you’d end up with a whole lot of random possible directions over time. This would work for me, I feel sure of it.
that being said, there are some long-term changes that I’m committed to and want to continue with - they’re the meta-structure.
there has to be some trade-off between all that and the List of Things I Think I Should Be Doing Every Day. I need to realise that progress does not have to be daily and that I don’t want my life to feel like an endless checklist - these are all things I can push along with whatever energy I have.
I probably will eventually settle into some kind of balance of x amount of daily time for existing projects vs. y on the new ideas of the day but that might also change from day to day.
So there you go. Something approaching structure is beginning to emerge.
It’s yourself writ large across your life
That’s what lockdown has meant to me.
I haven’t been watching a lot of the news. I don’t have a TV and I’ve been steering clear of a lot of the social media buzz. Obviously I keep tabs a little bit on what’s going on and I get updated by friends and through work but my contact with the wider concept of LOCKDOWN as a situation out there in the wider world has been kinda minimal.
Lockdown has been incredibly personal for me. It’s the first time I’ve ever in my life been on my own physically for this long without contact with friends or family. It’s been the period of the fewest obligations and the most control over my situation. In some ways I have found it incredibly empowering, just to get to do what I want, all the time (as long as it’s at home). I’ve been walking in paradise park every day. I’ve had to - it’s my only exercise right now. I’ve cooked all my own meals. I’ve set my own schedule and I’ve been busy but had timeouts as well. I’ve taken care of myself and done things I needed to as well as wanted to do. I’ve been responsible, and carefree, at the same time. I’ve only had pressure on myself from myself.
Because the whole of my life, in this space, alone, has been my internal monologue.
So I’ve had to come to terms with and accept everything that occurs inside my mind, face my fears of self-criticism and not feeling like I’m good enough, be realistic about excuses I might have been tempted to make. With no interference, no external noise, no impingement from others I’ve had to learn to be more independent and stable, how to temper less good feelings with better ones, how to manage my moods solo. As much as I can’t wait for it to end, it’s really been invaluable and a lot of these things I am going to try and carry forward.
Wishful Thinking
Help me out here with some processing, OK? I want to take the best from this situation so we can all move on in peace.
I wish you’d been more of a someone to look up to, someone to emanate. I wish you’d been less self-absorbed, self-centred. I wish you’d been around more and made fewer excuses. I wish your heart had been in it. I wish you’d understood, without being prompted, anyone else’s perspective on anything. I wish you’d been less bitter towards the people I cared about. I wish you hadn’t played the system quite so hard. I wish your choice of friends had spoken better of you. I wish you’d been able to see what was right under your nose and at the same time I wish you’d had a more holistic view of the common good.
I wish my mind and my ego had allowed for you to be better than me. I wish I’d felt like there was something left to learn.
What does all this say about me? All these judgments? That’s the hard question. How much of you do I see reflected in myself?
The things I want to keep: being the one to lighten the mood, having good relationships with near enough everyone, being a quiet, customary presence in the lives of others, not burning my bridges even when it’s tough, trying to see the good, being in on other people’s wit, being at least partly respected for at least part of what I know.
I have not gone deep enough to be respected, I can see that now. At best I’m the most perfunctory generalist. Essentially: I’m full of crap. I’ve been so different, so on the outside, all my life. This is the stuff it messes me up to think about.
But we’re special, and we know that. Just got to find a better place to bloom.
Special
You are not like everyone else.
You are not bound by the cues of the herd.
Just because other people feel constricted by the lockdown, doesn’t mean it’s not business as usual for you, full speed ahead.
All the chances you want are there for the taking. It makes no difference. It’s not a time to slow down.
So push on, skip through the grass, run barefoot, be daring, push on.