It’s yourself writ large across your life

That’s what lockdown has meant to me.

I haven’t been watching a lot of the news. I don’t have a TV and I’ve been steering clear of a lot of the social media buzz. Obviously I keep tabs a little bit on what’s going on and I get updated by friends and through work but my contact with the wider concept of LOCKDOWN as a situation out there in the wider world has been kinda minimal.

Lockdown has been incredibly personal for me. It’s the first time I’ve ever in my life been on my own physically for this long without contact with friends or family. It’s been the period of the fewest obligations and the most control over my situation. In some ways I have found it incredibly empowering, just to get to do what I want, all the time (as long as it’s at home). I’ve been walking in paradise park every day. I’ve had to - it’s my only exercise right now. I’ve cooked all my own meals. I’ve set my own schedule and I’ve been busy but had timeouts as well. I’ve taken care of myself and done things I needed to as well as wanted to do. I’ve been responsible, and carefree, at the same time. I’ve only had pressure on myself from myself.

Because the whole of my life, in this space, alone, has been my internal monologue.

So I’ve had to come to terms with and accept everything that occurs inside my mind, face my fears of self-criticism and not feeling like I’m good enough, be realistic about excuses I might have been tempted to make. With no interference, no external noise, no impingement from others I’ve had to learn to be more independent and stable, how to temper less good feelings with better ones, how to manage my moods solo. As much as I can’t wait for it to end, it’s really been invaluable and a lot of these things I am going to try and carry forward.