Wishful Thinking

Help me out here with some processing, OK? I want to take the best from this situation so we can all move on in peace.

I wish you’d been more of a someone to look up to, someone to emanate. I wish you’d been less self-absorbed, self-centred. I wish you’d been around more and made fewer excuses. I wish your heart had been in it. I wish you’d understood, without being prompted, anyone else’s perspective on anything. I wish you’d been less bitter towards the people I cared about. I wish you hadn’t played the system quite so hard. I wish your choice of friends had spoken better of you. I wish you’d been able to see what was right under your nose and at the same time I wish you’d had a more holistic view of the common good.

I wish my mind and my ego had allowed for you to be better than me. I wish I’d felt like there was something left to learn.

What does all this say about me? All these judgments? That’s the hard question. How much of you do I see reflected in myself?

The things I want to keep: being the one to lighten the mood, having good relationships with near enough everyone, being a quiet, customary presence in the lives of others, not burning my bridges even when it’s tough, trying to see the good, being in on other people’s wit, being at least partly respected for at least part of what I know.

I have not gone deep enough to be respected, I can see that now. At best I’m the most perfunctory generalist. Essentially: I’m full of crap. I’ve been so different, so on the outside, all my life. This is the stuff it messes me up to think about.

But we’re special, and we know that. Just got to find a better place to bloom.