A flash of anger
I felt very briefly angry
At the curtailment of my choices and movement
At the deprivation of eye contact and hugs and deep conversations
At my own lack of productivity
And then it shifted
And I thought, all we have to do right now is survive and get through it
You can afford to be kind to yourself today
And the anger melted to grouchy frustration
And a time-out
That made things better again
Remember you’re a kaleidoscope
There is more than one way to cope
You need so many different things
Keep the wheel turning
Historic Journals: 11 April 2014
Still getting stalked by K - this time on WhatsApp. I guess once every three months I can deal with but it’s getting beyond a joke. At least she can’t actually have copies of messages so it’s all just hearsay and speculation. I wish I’d never said any of the things I did, but nothing in the end can protect you from the things you’ve done yourself. Just have to hope I guess. She likes to think she has the power but I know I’ve done the right thing by not reacting to her. Just feels sometimes like it’s never going to end. Like I’ll always be paying for it. and the truth is I didn’t do what she’s accusing me of.
Funny how this has happened just when I was thinking about him yesterday. No matter how much you think someone is the answer, if all they do is bring you harm, you’ve got to walk away, protect yourself, look to the people you know love you for the answer. Work with people you can trust. Really, what - he pursued me, he was the one who badgered me into taking it that direction, he walked away and now I’m stuck being stalked by his crazy ex?! It’s hardly fair either is it?! I’m not innocent but I’m blaming myself too much if I think I deserve this.
People get obsessed with other people’s lives when their own are shit. It’s not bad to have the practice now - people are mean and they say all sorts of stuff that’s not true or is mean-spirited - why can’t people all learn to control themselves, why can’t we just be nice to each other?!
Anyway, the timing is funny for sure, a kind of warning. It’s good that things are so much better between us at home, that I feel so much like I want to protect it and have something to lose now. These things are dangerous. I need to make sure my actions and behaviour are straight now and don’t give the wrong impression. Need to be a little bit careful about who I trust, need to keep conversations face-to-face and not write so much down.
And W is not even around now to notice that I’ve deleted it. Funny because I only had it cos of N in the first place! Should never have bothered.
None of it means anything in the end - all that matters is how far you’ve come and how much progress you’ve made as a person. It’s a shame other people can’t be like that, that they sit and wait for other people to make their lives better.
Never go back. That’s the message.
I don’t know what we’re doing
I don’t like being ignored. Having no-one to talk to. Not being able to share my thoughts.
More than one way to resolve that I suppose. Improvise.
I don’t want to keep re-reading his last upsetting thoughts just because they’re all I have of him now.
At least he’s happy.
Diversification
Today was disappointing. I’ll admit I get a string of good days and then I’ll have a day where lots of things go wrong and it really gets me down. I can come back at the practical stuff that didn’t work another day and the rest of it is just mood but…
The thing I always want to tell other people when they’re feeling let down by people they care about is… Diversify.
I’m the same, in that people and love are all that makes my world worth spinning for. Literally, the only thing that makes life worth living is this prospect of being close to someone.
But there are other things that make me happy, bring me joy, even if it’s at a low rumble compared with LOVE.
And the most important thing is just to have multiple things that can make you happy. Remember those things. Did he really know me? Or are there other ways I can express myself better now he’s gone?
You’re afraid to do the things that will bring you success.
That’s what I realised this morning.
I put off doing the tasks that are most likely to lead to my being successful.
And instead I focus on the background, insignificant things. The free things. The giving things.
Maybe these are easier to do.
Life is pretty perfect right now and I have the luxury, though it may not stay that way forever.
I’m not sure what to do about this, but at least I’m aware.
Be Like Water
[These ponderings are getting more regular, they drop into my head more often in the morning, like a theme for the day.]
Be like water.
Flow.
Fill the space.
Go with it.
Go around it, if you have to. Regain your serenity.
Make it work for you.
This is my theme for the days at the moment. It’s not about having a concrete plan or getting everything done at once, or being attached to feeling a certain way about how things unfold. If you can see what the day holds and go with it, do what feels right, keep doing - then you can take everything in your stride and make the best of it. I did what I had to today, and then some. But without knowing at the start what was going to be required. That kind of feeling.
Ideas that work
Today’s Friday and I’m taking the day OFF!
Which means no obligations at all, not aiming to get anything ticked off any lists, not trying to achieve anything (there’s the weekend still to finish up the lists) - just free to do whatever takes my fancy. A bit of blue-sky thinking. Waking up and doing the first thing that occurs to me to do. I’m so lucky that I wake up here and things around me are, as far as I can see anyway, pretty much perfect. These are glorious days.
The thought I woke up this morning pondering was this:
The ideas I’m working on right now seem like they’re going to be the answers to everything. They’re good ideas. They lead somewhere.
But they’re just the start.
Behind these ideas is a door that leads on to other ideas and it might be that one of those ideas is the real breakthrough, or even greater than what I can see to be working on now.
There might be hundreds of ideas and each one might lead to better and better ideas in future - not to mention that I’m skilling up in the process of fleshing out the ideas I currently have.
So keep working, complete these projects, and then leave my brain open to see what occurs next.
I’m not creating a finished article here; I’m building a foundation. This is the first stage in a life-long journey of invention and creation.
Back in the saddle
Rough night last night but I think mostly what it is is that I’m not sleeping very much and I get freaked out because I can’t fall asleep and… cue hours of misery and pondering of the unhelpful variety and mood destabilisation.
Let’s invent labels for these things. That’ll help.
It helps to have a routine, even in Lockdown.
It helps to have allocated time to do nothing and allocated pointers along the path. Sometimes it’s writing, sometimes it’s something inspirational on YouTube. Sometimes it’s chores around the flat. Anything obvious.
I remembered my purpose and my place, or at least one of the places, where I was best fitted and most needed, if only by a handful of people. I did something that felt good and used my gifts and I felt loads better. So it’ll be OK, for the next little while.
Agony and Ecstasy and… Apathy?
I’m finding it hard to focus on a feeling.
I’m not worrying about things - my future is assured and every day I take steps towards it, that’s what I believe. So I’m not worrying about that. I’m happy with how things are going. Almost everything is still within my power.
Loads of opportunities to create, but no-one to see. No-one to share it with.
I feel good about the future, scared that I’m wasting time and not realising it, that this is a false sense of all the days ticking by just the same. But on the other hand I find the routine and the limited options really reassuring.
Anyway at some point things will change. At some point something really astounding and incredible will happen. It always does. Until then I’m going to keep chipping away at whatever seems to be the right thing to do next.
Curated grieving
Today was a tougher kind of day. I woke up feeling lonely and it was hard to shift. I had been expecting it to hit at some point.
I believe we choose our suffering, because to suffer means something. I hadn’t really suffered this past week because there was no need to, things were going well and I had pretty much everything I needed, so I had been making the best of the situation, which I hope to continue to do.
I think I had been waiting for this sadness to come. It’s not normal for me to go more than a week without some sort of physical affection. That’s part of who I am, and who I choose to be. So I felt sad for that.
I went back through my journals and I realised that the strongest assets I have to draw on right now are my memories. I have been close to people over the course of the past year in some really meaningful, intense and beautiful ways. I reviewed the diaries, I went over messages, I relived memories. I got a little bit sadder and I cried a lot.
Knowing that this is part of who I am.
Knowing the crying would be healing.
Knowing that it’s better to feel what I’m feeling, that I can’t escape it, and the quickest way to pick myself up is to go through, not around.
It picked up a bit. Not masses because I am trying to do some challenging things project-wise and I’m feeling a bit unsure of myself and a bit depleted. But I know I will have quiet, empty time to myself in the coming days to address those things. Knowing that tomorrow will feel much better than today did.
We suffer for the things that make us part of who we are, because we don’t want to let them go.
A week
If you're in the UK, the good news is you've completed your first week of lockdown! You’ve got this. Just take a deep breath, and keep doing what you’re doing.
We think a lot about the things we miss. We all miss a lot of things. We feel insecure about the ways our lives have changed without our consent.
Never has there been such a giant, communal opportunity to review and reset.
Will lockdown change how you look at life and what’s important? Are there elements of it you like? Do you feel more grateful for your home or closer to those you live with? Has it made you check in with friends you don't often hear from?
Do you want your pre-lockdown life back in its entirety? Or are there things you would like to change?
What about lockdown projects? If lockdown gives you the opportunity of working on something in a focused, meaningful way then how has your first week been? We're one week in with our measures being reviewed after 3 weeks (that’s just after the Easter weekend) and we may be looking at a total of 7-13 weeks. Set aside the difficulties for a moment; from a project perspective that’s a significant window to achieve something new. Set some new habits in place now and you could set some serious change in motion in that time.
Lockdown has to finish sometime; where do you want to get to by then?
Dreams come true
They just do.
Follow the light through the tree canopy.
Take the first step.
Serendipity can’t ignore where you’ve taken action.
Getting Things Done: Lockdown Speed
It’s the opposite of warp speed.
A new kind of disciplined laziness.
A change of perspective.
Whole entire empty days full of time.
A small handful of priority actions.
Choosing what feels like the next right thing to do. Even if it’s something really lazy and unproductive.
The productivity kicks in.
Desire drives action.
The desire to find myself in a different situation - except I love my situation right now, so it’s really just a tweak.
So of course, it’s not too hard.
These are not monumentally difficult actions.
These are all things I can cope with.
Things I will just feel like doing sooner or later because I’m curious to see what happens.
Because I want to be more fulfilled.
Because I want to express myself better.
That’s all I’m doing.
What I want.
Consumption
This whole period has made me really rethink my consumption. What I need vs. what I have.
I think I already mentioned this but the first thing that clicked was the realisation of how much less I need to eat than I was eating. Whether it’s 3 meals a day or 2, or 5 snacks, there’s way more food out there (and in here at home) than I could ever eat. Once I started portioning things up according to this new assessment of what I needed I’d start marking things on the boxes - this box of cereal is gonna last 3 weeks, I can make 12 days’ worth of sandwich lunches with this loaf of bread, things like that. It’s just remarkable. I don’t know why but before I felt under a lot of pressure to eat everything, all at once. Related to this is I have to find other ways to deal with things. I can’t just eat when I’m lonely or bored or a bit down or frustrated - there’s no point, I don’t need to, it’s counter to my goals and my health. So I have to find other ways to move through those feelings, other things that I can face doing, tasks that seem a bit kinder to do. (The only thing I am doing still is if I’ve got a particularly hard or loathsome chore I’ll queue it up before meal-time so I can eat and relax afterwards as a motivator!)
Related to this is a sense of abundance in what I’ve been purchasing. Right at the beginning of when I started eating what I needed rather than wanted, it hit me how much cheaper it was going to be to sustain that eating pattern, so I set a goal of only spending x-amount per day and buying maybe 3 or 4 things. This was before lockdown, so even though I can’t always get the things I want on the day I want them, I’ve been able to switch to other options. There are only so many mealtimes to fill. And because of lockdown I’m not eating out at all or getting takeaways so I’m cooking for myself, and this saves me exponentially more than just changing up what I’m buying at the shops. So then I’ll cook for myself but in batches, rather than eating double or triple portions now I’ll have leftovers for two or three days; rather than using up entire items of veg or whatever I’ll use a portion of something and things that used to do me only one meal will do me three. It’s amazing how much further things go. It’s another way of feeling abundant and there’s always something to look forward to.
And that takes me on to consumption in general; because I’m home, around my stuff all the time, aware of all the things I don’t get around to doing and the books I don’t get around to reading. Life itself has gotten simpler. I’m usually able to substitute in something I’ve already got for something I’m craving to buy. I keep a rolling list of desireables and at the end of the month I can allocate a portion of savings to purchasing some of those things, if I still want them. I try to keep other little non-food purchases to a minimum so they’re small and not happening every day. I’m so set up here with things to do that I can’t imagine needing to buy much at all - life has become about doing rather than having, or even better, just being.
A glimmer
It was a day of mini enlightenments.
I wrote a lot this morning.
I’ve been “rebuilding” my space and tying in more elements of the life I’m trying to create. Into the actual fabric of my living space. Memos on the walls. Different kinds of work spaces. Storage for things I need to keep close to hand. Clearing away of other things so I can focus on what matters.
Taking it easy.
I had a massive revelation about one of my core relationships.
Watched an inspirational video that had come my way.
I had a nap at just the right time, knowing that I was going to access some deeper information while I slept. Had a slightly creepy but instructive dream. Woke feeling refreshed.
Caught up (by text, and post) with yet more friends out of the blue.
Walked in the sunshine.
Read for ages.
Realised, on a deeper level, how much this lifestyle makes me feel better.
I’m still taking instruction about what’s next.
Still discussing my plans.
Taking the baby steps this week.
Letting it all gently fall into place.
Expect Beauty
Expect Beauty.
Seek it out.
Every time you leave your house.
Every time you open your eyes.
Expect it in the skies, in other people’s smiles, expect it in your own mirror.
Beauty is out there waiting.
Beauty is chasing you down.
And the glorious thing: once you start to see all the beauty in the world at once, rushing towards you, there around every corner, you can never unsee it. It’ll surround you, everywhere you look for it, for as long as you live.
Always and everywhere.
Serenity
A moment of calm here.
I woke up this morning ready to let the day unfold as it wanted to.
Grateful for all that it offered.
The whole day felt like a blessing.
We can still go walking, only once a day, but not with any restriction over how long or how far, as long as we keep our distance from each other.
I found a lake within walking distance of home and it was glorious in the sunshine.
I went to pick a few things up from the shop across the road and it was so well stocked I had difficulty resisting a whole load of things that I can’t even justify eating.
I’m home and it’s quiet and at least for now, although I miss all the normal things, there is nothing I can do about the negatives. I’m wondering if this isn’t closer to the life I’ve been trying to build than the one I had before.
So I’m looking forward to watching spring come, to the lake, and to the tree outside my window.
I’m looking forward to having the cleanest flat ever and sorting through all my miscellaneous stuff.
I’m looking forward to staying calm, healthy, rested and hydrated and seeing what kind of results I can get from that.
I’m looking forward to completing some projects that have been taking ages because of lack of time or focus.
One of the things I love most about this is that, with not having to BE anywhere, you can do other things for longer.
You can do things for as long as you like.
I don’t have to set limits on things like, reading or writing for half an hour… I can just carry on for as long as I like, with all my favourite things.
I can’t remember when I last felt like that.
For today, at least, I love this.
Why it matters
I was feeling kind of shocked and stressed about this latest set of restrictions; my fears about being alone for three weeks.
And I got lost for a little while in other people’s art and music and I felt calmer.
I think that’s why it matters; if you can do something that brings someone a sense of peace or reassurance in these troubled and uncertain times, then you should do it. If it makes you feel fulfilled and visible, then do it. There doesn’t have to be a bigger reason or a masterplan.
If it makes it easier to be alive, then it matters.
For tonight, I can just go to sleep and wake up and see what life holds in the morning.
Everything is an opportunity
I’m not trying to be smug here but I can’t be the only one for whom an extra reason to spend more time alone is a welcome development.
There are ways to thrive in this.
I’m going to minimise the time I spend thinking about what’s closing down in my life so I can focus on what might be opening up.
We all need different things from what we needed before.
The world needs different things.
It’s a new world and a crazy year and we can’t do everything we perhaps set out to do or had our hearts set on doing. A lot of that is gone for probably long enough that this year, 2020, will look significantly different to how we planned it.
But we can still set the rules.
We might be limited in our meeting but we can still be expansive in our thinking.
In a world this crazy that changes this fast, anything goes.
And if you can think of a new way to do things, you might as well try it - you have nothing to lose.