Historic Journals: 11 April 2014

Still getting stalked by K - this time on WhatsApp. I guess once every three months I can deal with but it’s getting beyond a joke. At least she can’t actually have copies of messages so it’s all just hearsay and speculation. I wish I’d never said any of the things I did, but nothing in the end can protect you from the things you’ve done yourself. Just have to hope I guess. She likes to think she has the power but I know I’ve done the right thing by not reacting to her. Just feels sometimes like it’s never going to end. Like I’ll always be paying for it. and the truth is I didn’t do what she’s accusing me of.

Funny how this has happened just when I was thinking about him yesterday. No matter how much you think someone is the answer, if all they do is bring you harm, you’ve got to walk away, protect yourself, look to the people you know love you for the answer. Work with people you can trust. Really, what - he pursued me, he was the one who badgered me into taking it that direction, he walked away and now I’m stuck being stalked by his crazy ex?! It’s hardly fair either is it?! I’m not innocent but I’m blaming myself too much if I think I deserve this.

People get obsessed with other people’s lives when their own are shit. It’s not bad to have the practice now - people are mean and they say all sorts of stuff that’s not true or is mean-spirited - why can’t people all learn to control themselves, why can’t we just be nice to each other?!

Anyway, the timing is funny for sure, a kind of warning. It’s good that things are so much better between us at home, that I feel so much like I want to protect it and have something to lose now. These things are dangerous. I need to make sure my actions and behaviour are straight now and don’t give the wrong impression. Need to be a little bit careful about who I trust, need to keep conversations face-to-face and not write so much down.

And W is not even around now to notice that I’ve deleted it. Funny because I only had it cos of N in the first place! Should never have bothered.

None of it means anything in the end - all that matters is how far you’ve come and how much progress you’ve made as a person. It’s a shame other people can’t be like that, that they sit and wait for other people to make their lives better.

Never go back. That’s the message.