Curated grieving

Today was a tougher kind of day. I woke up feeling lonely and it was hard to shift. I had been expecting it to hit at some point.

I believe we choose our suffering, because to suffer means something. I hadn’t really suffered this past week because there was no need to, things were going well and I had pretty much everything I needed, so I had been making the best of the situation, which I hope to continue to do.

I think I had been waiting for this sadness to come. It’s not normal for me to go more than a week without some sort of physical affection. That’s part of who I am, and who I choose to be. So I felt sad for that.

I went back through my journals and I realised that the strongest assets I have to draw on right now are my memories. I have been close to people over the course of the past year in some really meaningful, intense and beautiful ways. I reviewed the diaries, I went over messages, I relived memories. I got a little bit sadder and I cried a lot.

Knowing that this is part of who I am.

Knowing the crying would be healing.

Knowing that it’s better to feel what I’m feeling, that I can’t escape it, and the quickest way to pick myself up is to go through, not around.

It picked up a bit. Not masses because I am trying to do some challenging things project-wise and I’m feeling a bit unsure of myself and a bit depleted. But I know I will have quiet, empty time to myself in the coming days to address those things. Knowing that tomorrow will feel much better than today did.

We suffer for the things that make us part of who we are, because we don’t want to let them go.