Why am I so reluctant to talk to people?

I go out for coffee or lunch on my own

(like I’ve been doing for, you know, the past twenty years or so - not always alone but mostly; I read, I write, I write a tonne. It’s normal for me.)

and I always get a little bit nervous ordering, I’m quietly spoken.

(I’ve gone through periods of being more overtly confident, louder, making more eye contact. I’m not nervous or anxious except that it’s just a habit to be that way).

Other people can seem so loud, so confident, their voices carry, the baristas get their orders the first time around. They take their time talking.

And then I sit down and look at all the people and think, they all look so interesting, why would I not want to talk to all of them, hear their stories. I wish I could find a pretext for it, get their attention.

Do I find men more interesting? I think I know what the women will say. I guess there is that added thing of potential chemistry with men, that extra layer of testing whether I’m still attractive. Some men love to talk to women, some don’t I guess. Sometimes I just look at a guy and wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through his hair. Some men look like lovers I’ve had. I’m not looking for lovers right now but I’d still like to hear their stories.

(I wish it was easier to just talk to people, to start conversations.)

Anyway, that whole train of thought is a diversion. I am reluctant to place my order because I am in my internal bubble, the world of my own thoughts. I just don’t want to break the silence. And the wall of glass that kept me captive all those years, is now the window that protects my whole internal world and keeps it all mine.

(You could sit opposite me and not say a word, just make eye contact, and I could look at you from inside the bubble and that would be fine. Just don’t speak. Don’t ask me anything.)

Change for Good?

I’ve been on a health/weight-loss kick since the start of the year (not my first time! and I expect I’m not alone here). I’ve been doing Noom and while I’m not going to share Noom’s tips and tricks here I will say it’s well worth the money - I have never enjoyed losing weight so much or lost it so consistently - or been able to maintain a calorie deficit for so long so uninterruptedly.

I feel like I was just “ready” this time - there could be lots of reasons for this, including that the isolation of Lockdown and being left alone to my own thoughts and values actually resulted in me seeing how much I wanted to change. I was granted a blessed, almost unbelievable amount of acceptance out there in my work, among my friends, in public, but actually what I was doing wasn’t good enough for me and in the end I felt I had no choice but to change. Being on my own so much made that crystal clear and inescapable. So notwithstanding that I’ve had an eating disorder for most of my life and been treated and lost and regained weight and undergone every kind of disastrous failure when trying to attempt this in the past, I really believe it’s still achievable and that I’ve made irreversible changes (I’m about 13% of the way towards my ultimate goal) because this time it was so internally motivated and part of a much wider process of willing my life to be how I’d like it to be.

I’ll share some of my own meal hacks etc. as we go along - strong as the will may be, the logistics of ensuring a calorie deficit are the same puzzle they always were - but the biggest success factor for me has been this:

My body’s needs from food are only part of what I use food for.

My relationship with food has been so major and involved, with all my daily routines, much of my mood and much of my thinking absorbed in it. It’s dictated how I use my time, how I feel, what I allow myself to do, for as long as I can remember and it has overshadowed almost every other form of pleasure. But really, my body only needs so much food, it’s only designed to deal with so much food, and that amount will never change no matter how I feel - so while I’m not saying it’s not normal to enjoy food and use it to an extent as comfort, celebration, and reward, it doesn’t deserve this supreme overarching role. It doesn’t deserve to be my first (mmm well brunch though… ;) ) last and every waking thought. It’s fuel, plus a bit of what you fancy. So all that other space it was taking up is my life and time to do other things with.

It feels odd to say that I’m allowing the role of food to diminish.

I felt quite lonely to start with.

I’m still in the process of working out what else in my life I can build stronger relationships with in its place.

I’ve realised I can start using my Gemini nature to keep me from getting too obsessed in any one direction. Being naturally interested in a wide variety of things, hobbies and learning come easily and adding new things is never the problem (adding too many at once might be!) So in the aftermath of the one true obsession I did have, I’m finding there’s a natural attention span to activities and tasks and that I’ll naturally flow between them. A richer life all round? That’s probably why I can’t see myself going back to being who I was. The role my eating played is no longer necessary; it’s run its course, and although all my life I wished things were different, I’m now enjoying what I’m learning from the process of change so much that I’m grateful for the chance to go through it. It’s an adventure I would never have had otherwise.