Deferred Deliberations
This might be a bit long and a bit personal. I’m going through some MAJOR shifts in my life at the moment - from some really limited, negative beliefs to a completely new kind of life. My mind is spinning cartwheels and I know it’s gonna take a pretty big leap to get there but then life will be like it should have been all along - so it’s the last push for me.
I’ve got a few areas where I’m deferring decisions just so I can make some space to have a bit of a mental break and also because major parts are shifting right NOW and I can’t worry about everything - this is what I’ve in the past called a Worry Holiday.
Worrying about acting on everything at once. For the first time in at least a decade I’m taking proper weekends as breaks, regularly - which is pretty hard to do as a creative because my life is my work is my art. Chasing down ideas in a practical sense (I have a series of ideas each day all of which would be nice to pursue) is not the point of weekends! So I’m allowing myself to file the ideas for “work” days during the week and then go back to just being.
Worrying about money. I don’t do a lot of this in general but I’m moving into a phase of a few months where I’ll be living off savings until the next funds come in - it’s guaranteed that they will but the when and the how much and the from where are thing I’m deliberately entrusting to the universe since I’m fine for the foreseeable future. I know I will go through times during this period where the “what next?” questions will mount up so I’m allowing myself to shelve these until later in the autumn. Worry is absolutely not the point of this glorious opportunity I have right now for freedom and it would just waste and tinge the time.
Worrying about relationships. This is an interesting one that I’ve just been thinking about this afternoon. Lockdown and being on my own for two months has really messed with how I feel about people and spending time with/on them, plus I’m still healing from the last few encounters which mostly haven’t worked out to anyone’s satisfaction and in some cases caused a deal of hurt. I have been stressing a lot about how to ease out of lockdown given that I have no-one really to ease out of it with, how to meet new people, while struggling with the feeling that lockdown’s left me of not really being sure how much I want other people around, and maybe I should just aim to be alone for the next phase. I don’t function great emotionally like that though, I like having positive connections to bounce off and express myself but I also feel very dry and silent right now and relationships don’t excite me like they used to. A few other factors here:
- I’m a Gemini
- Venus is in Gemini at the moment
- The retrograde means Venus stays in Gemini for 4 months instead of 4 weeks, which only happens every 8 years
- Venus is also in Gemini on my birth chart
All of that considered I feel like I am noticing a greater sense of just love for myself, I appreciate myself more and want to take care of myself better and all of that’s good for now. I was thinking maybe I’ll just stop dating until the autumn as well but then worried that might do me further damage emotionally to be on my own for that long and not even open to meeting anyone new. So for now I’m going to defer this decision until the end of the Venus retrograde towards the end of June, by which time a lot of my other practicalities will have moved on, and consider it some more in the light of how I feel by then.