That which makes you stronger

I’ve had so many conversations recently - meeting new people all the time, still, which is a wonderful part of what I do and who I am.

And we talk about the journaling and this writing habit/addiction I’ve had now for over 25 years, and the collection of journals, and whether it’s a weird or a wonderful thing.

I’ve always written, mostly stream-of-consciousness or conversations with myself. I love the physical feeling of doing it and the process, mentally, for me is helpful in so many ways.

I started writing because I couldn’t talk to people. I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t feel like anyone would want to listen.

Now that people do seem to want to listen I still don’t think anyone wants to hear the whole lot - who has time to take on someone else’s life, history and complexity in their entirety? So now I write to honour myself in full and shed light on the parts of me that no-one else knew. I write to preserve the record. And because it still helps me.

I was depressed, messed up and it took me a long time and so, so many words, so much help, to figure it out. To find a way. To understand what my brain and nervous system were doing, enough to be able to wield it to my advantage. To seek out my place. And I’ve always felt that the process in itself was a sign of how crazy I was - who would ever need to write so much?

But today for the first time I really felt grateful, that it took me so long to figure it all out. Not just because I was able to figure it out at all and build a life that goes from strength to strength rather than an endless spiral of destruction; but just because the process I went through and the lasting record I have of it really feel like assets to me now. They are my foundation. I am unique - not that there aren’t millions of others like me - but my story and my survival are something to be proud of. I don’t understand it in full yet but I no longer feel like I’m on the back foot for having needed to have done it this particular way. I am so grateful for everything that’s brought me to where I am and although it was difficult, I know nothing in life will test me that much again. So I have all my joy and strength to look forward to.

So: even if you think there’s no point in writing down how you feel, just give yourself twenty or thirty minutes and try it. It could change you in a thousand ways.