Feeling Loads Better
Just like that, as if by magic.
I’m not even sure what happened. I went through a protracted breakup with my (admittedly not very long-term) Person, right before the lockdown restrictions here were eased; so I was dealing not just with losing him but with losing the one thing I’d really been looking forward to all through lockdown - the time we were going to spend together afterwards. So I was flailing about for a couple of weeks. I’m also leaving my dayjob in a matter of weeks now and that’s also been a bit of a strung-out, exhausting process. Even though I’ve been working from home and not been having to expend energy on commuting and office interruptions, I’ve been ready to turn my back on it for quite a while and trying to get into that institution’s headspace over and over each week has been weighing on me. So, a lot of endings, a lot of being able to sniff my freedom but not really knowing what to do with myself, kind of half-heartedly taking care of myself, and my weekends have been a bit hit-and-miss, and for some reason I’m also just exhausted physically, out of sorts, and some days just plain angry at nothing. Oh and then I thoroughly stubbed (read: practically broke) my toe on Tuesday morning!
But this week was more fun at work, I’m mostly done with the logistics of handing over and spending the last of my time just chatting to people I’ve known in some cases for 10 years. I’m three weeks away from the biggest opportunity of my life and at the very least a really fantastic few months of chasing my own dreams. And my toe is nearly better ;) And it could be the new moon or the start of Gemini season or the unexpected funds that showed up or the not-completely-hostile message from the person - or just a combination, but I know I’ve turned a corner now and I’m coasting towards the end of work and the longest day and all these luscious long days of May and June that I’m going to truly enjoy. I’ve gotten on top of so many tasks that I wasn’t even attempting to do before the lockdown and I shifted a bit of furniture around (I suppose mentally as well as physically) and it feels like there’s so much more space here now and I’m moving more freely. Things are sure to keep improving.
There’s one thing that I’ve discovered as I’ve gone along here - and I think it’s that thing of hitting rock bottom (or in this case a bit lower than usual!) and becoming acutely aware of what it IS you want. I’ve got this sense - and had several practical lessons - of how life could be, if I was just following my intuiting, doing the next right thing creatively and productively. I don’t need that strict a structure (I will keep some because it’s helpful) and I certainly don’t need the distraction/time sink of the dayjob. As long as I’m staying active, I know what the next right task, the next priority feels like when I approach it - often it’s stuff I’ve feared or postponed, often it’s a totally new idea that suddenly comes right up within my reach, and they’re all things that happen easily once I act on them. Honing that instinct for what to chase next and which direction to pursue. And I think that’s going to be invaluable going into this completely free and unmonitored period of my life, something to guide me. I’m not going to call it passion just yet but yeah…